Batman: The Drunken Dark Knight Returns
by Griever
Summary: The Dark Knight's Drunk... again! And it's up to him to save the hostages from some villains or something!
1. Waking up

BATMAN: THE DRUNKEN DARK KNIGHT RETURNS  
  
  
A black haze covered the city of Gotham. might we call it-an evil haze? Possibly. But  
what could be known for certain was that evildoings were going on beneath the crescent  
moon.  
  
At Wayne Manor, or whatever it is referred to, Bruce Wayne(Batman) slept calmly in his  
huge bed, in his huge room, in his huge house. It had been a long day and even though  
it was only seven pm, bruce was exhausted. Plus, he had just downed two six-packs.  
  
Without warning, his Bat-beeper went off. Awaking in a state of surprise, he staggred  
over to it. Oh no! There was a terrorist attempt going on at Wayne Enterprises! It looked  
like it was up to Batman to save the innocent hostages from disaster.  
  
"Alfed!! Hold me calls! i'm going to be out, uh, on the town!!" muttered Bruce to a lamp  
as he tripped headfirst down the stairs and crashed on the floor.  
  
Stumbling almost blindly around the room, he finally managed to trip the secret clock  
switch and open the secret entrance. Losing grip on the Bat-pole, he tumbled down the  
hole into the Bat-cave. As he groped wildly to pull on his costume, Alfred, the butler, and  
the only other person loving in that big, lonely house, entered.  
  
"Master Bruce, I doubt it would be a good idea to try to save those hostages while you're  
drunk! I'd suggest allowing the police handle this one."  
  
"Oh, you're always full of shit Alfred," said Batman to the wall as he tossed another six-  
pack into the passenger seat of the Bat-mobile. It was a good thing Robin had died  
previously. now there was more room in the Bat-mobile for booze.  
  
As he stuck his Bat-key into the Bat-mobile, Batman rolled up the driver's side Bat-  
window and gave a final wave to Alfred. Then he acceidentally ran over the old man.  
  
"Fuck! Left it in reverse! Silly me."  



	2. Chatting with the Commish'

Batman: The Drunken Dark Knight Returns II  
  
  
The Bat-mobile roared down the Bat-road and into the Bat-street. Batman popped the  
cap off a beer and chugged it in one dose. He smiled. Good thing he was too strong a  
man to be overtaken by the forces of alcohol. "Did I just hit a cow?" he swerved wildly  
and came to a halt embedded in a riverbank.  
  
"Well, looks like Batman'll be walking to the crime," thought the drunken dark knight to  
himself as he stumbled down the road with a pack under each arm.  
  
  
  
When he arrived at the crime, the scene was blistering with excitment. Locals were  
pointing at the tower and talking about what might be going on in there. Policemen  
swarmed the outer areas, keeping pedestrians away as a negociater tried to talk the  
terrorists out of any violent actions.  
  
Somehow, amazingly, Batman made it behind police lines and to Commishiner Gordon.  
"Commishiner, what in the reffled feathed of conol Hampton's brue bread is gone on  
here?" stuttered Batman to the Commishener.  
  
"Assuming you asked me what the current situation is, the Joker, Poisen Ivy, and Harley  
Quinn are holding eighteen employees hostage, not counting the famous Alex Trebek."  
  
"What's he doing there?"  
  
"Search me."  
  
"Well, Commish, you juice leaf itta me. I'll handlem!"  
  
"Okay Batman, you do th- wait! Is that beer?! Have you been drinking?!!"  
  
"Uh, gotta go!"  
  
"No, Batman! Come back!!" 


	3. Breaking and Entering

Batman: The Drunken Dark Knight Returns III  
  
  
Batman, still drunk(for you who didn't read the first two parts) drowzily made his way  
through the narrow air duct.  
  
"Damn! I knew that taco diet wouldn't help!" cursed the caped crusader as he  
shoved off a vent cover and hopped down to the floor of a small broom closet.  
  
"Now's my oppertunity. I'll sneak down the hall, beat up the Joker and his hot  
associates, and save the eighteen hostages + Alex Trebek, that bastard."  
  
Batman crept quickly and silently down the hallway, like a... uh... bat, only walking  
quickly. Then he burped.  
  
"What the hell was that?" said stupid henchman #1 as he rounded the corner.  
  
Swinging his six-pack, he landed a staggering crunch into the henchman's glass jaw.  
  
"Ahhhh!! My beer!!!" cried Batman as he fell to his knees. Two other henchmen  
rounded the corner and spotted Batman. The drunken dark knight wobbled to his  
feet. The henchmen screamed and charged. Reaching for the light switch, Batman  
sent the full glare of tens of 60-watt bulbs into the stupid henchmens' eyes.  
  
"AGGGHHH!!!!! Florescent poison!!" shouted the villains as they tumbled backwards  
into the stairwell.  
  
"Good job, Batman," said Batman as he patted himself on the back. Then he heard a  
noise behind him. And who should he meet but the one person he'd never expect to  
see there!  
  
Who was it? Read chapter four to find out!!  
  
  
  
  



	4. Catwoman

Batman: The Drunken Dark Knight Returns IIII  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Catwoman!" yelped Batman as he hid behind a nearby trash can.  
  
"Batman! I see you've come as well to foil the Joker!" cited Catwoman as she bent  
down and tried to open a ventilation shaft.  
  
"The who?"  
  
Batman spied the Catwoman, standing there bent over like that.  
  
Catwoman felt a tickle. "That had better be your Bat-poker and not your Bat' poker,"  
she warned, cracking her whip.  
  
Batman withdrew. Catwoman pryed the cover off it's hinges and onto the ground.  
"Follow me," she beckoned, "and no more tricks, eh, Batman?"  
  
"Right," he replied.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?? ONLY TIME WILL TELL! AND THE NEXT CHAPTER,  
OF COURSE!! 


	5. Winning the Battle

Batman: The Drunken Dark Knight Returns IIIII  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Batman. When we hear this name, we think of a menacing, frightening figure who  
fights under the cover of darkness. A winged warrior. A caped crusader. This was  
soooooo not one of his better moments.  
  
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  
Batman pinched Catwoman's ass. She shrieked and bumped her head on the top of  
the duct. "Batman, you fucking asshole! You want us to get caught?!"  
  
"Hey, this space is pretty small. You know, we could-" started Batman.  
  
"Don't say anything. Just go."  
  
Soon, Catwoman and the drunken dark knight were staring into the room holding the  
enemy from their stuffy area of the air duct.  
  
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!! Soon I, the Joker, will have all the pornographic  
material in Gotham!!!" laughed the Joker.  
  
"And I'll have a new bunch of plants!!" laughed Poison Ivy.  
  
"And I'll... do sumthin' else!!!" laughed Harley.  
  
Catwoman spoke up. "Okay, so we'll wait until the joker drops his guard, then..."  
  
"PARTY!!!" screamed Batman, falling out of the vent and pulling Catwoman down  
with him. The crashed into the middle of the room.  
  
"Batman!! You came!" yelled Alex Trebek with joy.  
  
"Batman!! You came!" yelled the Joker with contempt.  
  
Poison Ivy glared angrily at Batman. "Weeds of obscene evil! Get him!" she ordered.  
  
The living weeds sprang at Batman. As he desperately tried to stumble out of the line  
of fire, they wrapped themselves around his body and began squeezing the final  
breathes out of him.  
  
"Must-stop-weeds. Can't-hold-on. Must-stop-talking-in-weird-voice," spout Batman  
with what little breath he had. He looked at the last beer in his hand.  
  
"This'll be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I must do it. For  
FOOOOOBBBBBBIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Batman, splashing the alcoholic substance all  
over the weeds. They cringed and turned bezerk-like.  
  
"MORE BEER!" they yelled. Batman smiled.  
  
"You can have more beer if you capture Poison Ivy, the Joker, and Harley Quinn."  
  
The weeds turned on their master and wrapped around the three villains. Batman  
smiled. Catwoman wasn't so happy. "I didn't even get to do anything."  
  
"Hey, Gotham's Batman's drill, baby," the now semi-indisposed dark knight smiled.  
Then his eyes popped open. He bent down and whispered to one of the weeds'  
tendrils. It snaked over and tore Catwoman's costume off.  
  
Everyone laughed. "Oh Batman, you crazy guy," smiled Catwoman, trying to cover  
herself.  
  
"Now, who wants to have some fun?" asked Batman. Everyone raised their hand.  
  
"Good. Cause I got a plan."  
  
  
  
  
WHAT IS BATMAN'S CRAZY PLAN? FIND OUT IN THE EPILOGUE!!!!!! 


	6. Epilogue

Batman: The Drunken Dark Knight Returns IIIIII  
  
  
Commissioner Gordon tapped his foot impatiently as he waited outside the  
skyscraper for any news from the city's trusted protector, Batman. Harv the Marv  
ambled over to him. "Uh, any word from Batman yet?"  
  
"Shuddup, Harv."  
  
Suddenly, noise blared into the negotiation phone. Gordon yanked it up to his ear.  
"Batman? Batman! Is that you?"  
  
"Yes... Gordon... captured... need.. demands.... Joker wants... beer. He wants .... lots  
of beer. And several strippers.. eight kegs... some stag films.... one of those portable  
toilets... a tent... and some shrimp," said the voice over the phone.  
  
"Batman! Are you alright?" asked Gordon, now filled with fear.  
  
"Yes... they won't release the hostages until they get what they want."  
  
"Done! Harv, you heard them! Get everything the Joker wants! Pronto!!"  
  
Thirty-three minutes and twenty seconds later, Batman, Poison Ivy, a naked  
Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Joker, Alex Trebek, eighteen drunken hostages, and a  
bunch of weeds were partying to loud music, strippers, and porn films, with tons of  
beer at their disposal.  
  
"Batman!! When is the Joker going to release you and the hostages?" asked Gordon  
over the phone.  
  
"Uh... tomorrow morning around two... enough time for me to have some fun,"  
laughed Batman as he tossed the phone out the window and walked towards the tent  
with Poison Ivy. 


End file.
